Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Quitting & Figuring Life Out (without feeling guilty)

It's 4am and I've been mentally trying to replay what went down these past few days.

Since I had arrived home after spending 3 months abroad, I'd been having a feeling of unease, a weird little feeling that I hadn't quite gotten myself to 2015 yet. I hadn't stopped to catch a breath ever since August/14, when I started freelancing; then I joined a Law firm in September; got a permanent translator job in November (add all that to being a Law student) and found myself in Taiwan for a mandarin study program on my summer break. After the program ended, I came back home, hoping for a few weeks off, but...

I was home and going back to work right away, and I was very uncomfortable with the fact that I had zero plans for 2015. "Travel a lot" and "give proper attention to my health" were on  my mind, but those are not specific plans - they're things that are always in the back of my mind, whether it's a new year or not. I knew I wanted to find a more permanent "go abroad" situation - as in living, not travelling, but I hadn't figured that out yet.

A couple of days later, summer break was over. I would have to face all that work/school/freelancing/extracurricular activities juggling all over again and I had had practically zero rest. Oh, and I also had to figure out that permanently living abroad situation. So, I started planning my weeks. Writing down everything I'd be doing on every second of every day, so time would not be wasted.

planner organising

Wake up super early, read a bunch of stuff for school, exercise, translate, study French, study Mandarin, study German, try to fit in some leisure reading, go to work, go to the classes, go back home, go to bed super late because, well, school stuff. I was on the verge of a breakdown. Then, I started cutting stuff from the list. First thing gone was the leisure reading. Then the French, then the German - which you're never supposed to do if you're learning a language nobody speaks around you, because you'll just forget a lot of things and time will have been completely wasted. Exercising? Ha. Proper sleep? What was that?

Before I could go any further with all that craziness building up in my tiny self, I decided that I'd have to quit my day job (which was the Law firm one). I couldn't cut study out of the list, neither the rest of my sleep, for that matter. I could organise my schedule all over again and fit in all the study I needed to get done. But, ugh, I didn't want to go and tell my boss I had to quit because I told her I would go back to work!! That drove me insane for a whole weekend, but, on Monday, I told her everything and it was like a billion pounds were taken off my shoulder. I was angry at myself due to the fact that I was not living up to my word because of a routine I couldn't handle. So egocentric of me, I know.

I thought my boss would be mad. I thought she'd hate me forever. Well, now that I think of it - maybe she does. Not sure, there is no way to know. The point is: I was feeling bad for having to quit even though quitting was something I really needed. I knew that I'd done the right thing, but I couldn't shake that bad feeling off.
I hate feeling like this. I'm working on not feeling as guilty or responsible for other people, and focusing more on my own little self, but it's just so hard to shut every single voice up. Why can't I just go for what I want, without giving a damn about everything and everyone? 
I've already sat down and organised all the things I want to get done this year. I know we're at the end of March already, but I'm going to catch up.

Is anyone in here remotely like me when it comes to these situations? Thoughts?


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