I've been feeling quite unwell lately. I had put myself on autopilot to get through the semester, it's what I always do. Law school just isn't that interesting, and between working and studying, I try to keep everything on the surface. I don't dwell, I don't do loads of thinking, I try my best to avoid any writing at dawn else the tearing is just never-ending, and, honestly, who's got time for that?
Then the semester came to an end, I was supposed to have 2 weeks off uni until said uni went on a strike. No big deal, we just have no idea when our classes will resume. Not a problem, since I tend to fill my days with working and languages and everything that keeps my mind quite busy.
I feel displaced, I feel lonely, I rarely fit in anywhere. I constantly wonder if I'll always feel this way, if I'll ever not be afraid of spending the rest of my days working and studying a ton because I like doing it. I'm not a huge fan of socialising, people bore me easily. Don't wanna linger on that.
However, I am lucky. I have this huge family and this family owns properties in beautiful places; places I can escape to. So, the other day a few friends of mine and I went to my grandpa's property on the countryside. I've posted about this place before. Here. We went to a bunch of waterfalls, and I could just sit on the grass (or rock) and avoid all sorts of thinking.
Spending a two days without touching my laptop, without opening my email accounts or worrying about deadlines was just what I needed. My body didn't react so well, though - I got a cold and my blood pressure went oh-so-low. A couple of days without a bunch of caffeine and super contracted blood vessels and my body goes weird.
Anyways, the other night a guy told me "You're gonna end up alone if you keep acting like this" (after being slightly rejected by this person that now rants - me). It was like a knife had just gone through my heart. I am constantly scared, yes. I'm not a very pretty girl, I'm not an easy-going person. I'm an introvert. I don't trust people easily, I have a this issue with understanding people - I never remember to read between the lines, so if one is not completely frank with me, I'll never know what one is trying to tell me. I'm insecure. I'm still trying to find a way to stop hating my body. I answered "I'm fine on my own". And it bugs the hell out of me that people are always assuming you need companionship - theirs, especially, when you reject them. I don't need people to be happy, but I'm not a hermit. It's like Jon Krakauer wrote, "We like companionship, see, but we can't stand to be around people for very long. So we go get ourselves lost, come back for a while, then get the hell out again." And downhill the 'avoiding all sorts of thinking' went.
That place, grandpa's house, reminds me of dad. A gazillion memories come to mind whenever I'm there - maybe that's why I hate and love that place. I think about the day he taught me to ride a bike. How that's where I learned how to swim. I remember how I never felt scared, because I was surrounded by family, because dad would always have my back. I remember how fighting with my brother never really mattered, because at night we would be playing cards together again. But my dad's gone, my brother's moved away and mom's never been the same. No one has. And sometimes, I am alone. It gets bad, when someone just slaps your face with said truth saying you should feel bad about it & when you're not a big people person and you end up feeling like omg, I need company and I should have loads of people surrounding me, even when you don't want to. It's hard to do the "come back for a while" that Krakauer mentioned, because sometimes there's just nothing to come back to. I like wandering, so I don't ever have this urge of coming back to something. I like the idea of constantly moving forward, even though I have no idea where I'm going to. For a moment there, things got quite messy and my head was bursting with a million thoughts and faces of everyone I've ever let go of. Then I talked to Ems, a friend of mine in SF, and realised how wrong it all was. Saying that sentence to me; me believing in it, dwelling on it, and forgiving that jerk. I can be scared, but not of loneliness, because I'm don't feel lonely. I like being who I am and I have to learn to stop feeling guilty or bad because of who I am.
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